It's already been 6 weeks!

We cannot believe that our precious little boy is already 6 weeks old! It has brought us pure joy to be able to celebrate Mother and Father's Day with him in our arms. Max loves to lay on his back and have people talk to him. He is so reactive, and gives amazing smiles and coos. We could not be more in love with this little miracle. We realized in our excitement with Maximus home, we never shared all of his newborn pictures with our friends and family! We hope you enjoy!

Maximus Gregory

Maximus Gregory Grass

On May 4, 2018 at 1:36 pm, our lives changed in an instant for the better! After years of praying, waiting, and many many tears, Maximus Gregory Grass was born. If you have been journeying with us, you know that 2018 has proven to be a year with some of the lowest lows and now the highest possible high. 

Friday, April 27, 2018: The reality in front of us was becoming a little too real. As of May 18, our the extension of the contract with our adoption agency would expire as well as our current home study. This particular Friday, I had placed a call to our home study agency to pay our fees to update our home study for an additional year. However, they did not want me to pay over the phone due to incidental charges that would be required, the preference was that we put a check in the mail to update our home study. The day got away from me and I never got the check written. Apparently this was meant to be. Late that Friday afternoon my phone began to ring, it was our adoption agency. They were calling to tell us that a birthmother had selected us and she was due May 5! We immediately began texting with her, hoping to get to know her and allowing her to get to know us. From the beginning this birthmother seemed different than any of the others that we had communicated with in the past. She was confident in her decision to place this baby for adoption. This birthmom had originally thought she had the adoption all set through a friend of a friend who would adopt the baby, however at the last minute these plans apparently fell through (and we are SO grateful for this.) This birthmom found our agency and made the call. When talking with the agency her requests were for a couple who had been waiting a long time and were God loving people. She was given ten profiles to review and asked to pick her top two. According to the birthmom, we were the first profile she read and she knew we were the family for her baby. But, to be fair, she still glanced at all of the profiles. 

The week seemed to be progressing perfectly, but we were still tentative as we opened ourselves up to the idea that this could really be our time, this might really be our baby. The following Tuesday the birthmom met with the Social Worker and began the process of paperwork. On Wednesday she had a prenatal appointment and even called Annie so that she could hear the baby's heartbeat during the ultrasound! Everything was looking great and starting to fall into place. The birthmom had her due date as May 5 and the doctor was estimating it to be May 9, either way the baby was healthy and growing so the plan was to schedule and induction so that we could be present for the birth. However, Maximus apparently did not want to wait to get the party started.

May 4, 2018: At 3:00 am Annie received a text message, the birthmom was in labor, contractions were 5 minutes apart and she was headed to the hospital. In a flurry of events, Steve jumped on the computer and bought tickets for the 7:00 am flight to Salt Lake City. Somehow we threw suitcases of clothing together and were at the airport in time to make the flight. We arrived at the hospital in Utah by 10:30 am. As we walked into the labor and delivery area, the staff was waiting. they knew we were flying in and coming to meet our baby! One of the greatest and strangest moments was walking into the room and meeting our birthmom for the first time while she is in the midst of contractions! We were all so relieved that this baby had decided to hold off until we got to the hospital to make his debut!

May 4, 2018, 1:36 pm: Maximus Gregory was born! I am still reliving every moment in my mind, at the same time it all happened so fast. One of the most amazing parts was when Steve got to cut the umbilical cord and Annie got to be the first one to hold Max! Maximus weighed in at 7 lbs, 4 oz and was 22" long! (He is going to tower over his Momma!)

The hospital in Utah was amazing. They gave our new family of three a room next door to our birthmom. The 48 hours we spent in the hospital was wonderful. This time allowed us to get to know Max's birthmom and allowed her to see how loved Max was going to be. Once we were discharged from the hospital we again were fortunate that Steve's Godparents live just outside of Salt Lake City. It was so great to be able to take our new baby to a home and not have to spend our first days together in a hotel room. The funny thing is, we saw Steve's Godfather, Uncle Mike, last summer and were all joking about how great it would be if our baby was born in Utah and we could stay with them!

When we first learned this birthmom was in Utah, friends mentioned to us that it was one of the easiest states to work with for adoption. This was spot on! Even though we are given permission to leave the hospital with Max in our care, there is still paperwork that has to be completed by both Utah and Minnesota giving us clearance to cross state lines without it being considered kidnapping. The necessary paperwork was all together by late Monday morning and sent off to Utah for the beginning approval. By Wednesday morning we received the call that the paperwork has been forwarded on and was cleared by Minnesota, we were free to go home! Wednesday afternoon we had an appointment with the family court to go in front of a judge to be given custody of Maximus. The judge granted us custody, but did comment that what was missing from the paperwork is that Max will be raised a Twins fan! We assured him that he would be rooting for the hometown team!

Thursday morning we boarded a plane and headed home! Maximus was amazing on the flight, he fell asleep right before take off and woke up to eat just as we were landing. Maximus is adjusting to life in Minnesota and cannot wait to meet all of his family and friends!



Thank you for always keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray for us and for our birthmom!

Peace, 
Steve, Annie and Maximus

So now what...

    Needless to say, this past month has been one of the most difficult we have ever experienced. The last month has left us shaken and unsure of what we are supposed to do now. It was a humbling experience to suffer through the loss of our adoption, the loss of the baby that already felt like ours, at the same time that we walked through Holy week and the suffering of Christ. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions that Christ experienced as he walked through the Passion and carried his cross to Calvary. However, this past week I experienced grief, loss, pain, emptiness, loneliness and feeling abandoned. I can only imagine these were a mere fraction of the emotions that Christ experienced while being nailed to the cross. 

     As you know from previous posts, it was the baby’s grandmother who informed our birthmom that she would be raising the baby and that the adoption would not happen. What we have not shared is that the emotional rollercoaster did not end there. In the days following the birth of the baby boy that we thought would be ours, the birthmom continued to contact us. She continued to share her desire to have us bring this baby into our home. This time was scary, nerve wrecking, yet left a small glimmer of hope. There are no words to describe how it feels to have your heart ripped out, yet to still need to remain connected to the situation that cause you so much heartache. We continued to talk with the birthmother for the next two weeks. Because of low birth weight for the baby and some medical complications for the birthmother, they both remained in the hospital for 11 days. When they were both finally released from the hospital, on Good Friday, the birthmother contacted us to say that she had contacted the lawyer and would be meeting with someone the following day to begin the adoption process.  This was the last time we heard from her. We are guessing that once she got home and settled in, adoption became a difficult decision. Our hope is that both she and the beautiful baby boy are healthy, happy and will have a wonderful life together.

     It is amazing when you are suffering with something, you become hyperaware of everything related to your suffering. In the past week, I have sat down to try to clear my mind and watch a tv show only to have the show be focused on adoption, either a birthmother talking about choosing a family, or adoptive parents experiencing a failed adoption. NCIS is absolutely one of my favorite shows. This past week I sat down to watch an episode, and you guessed it, it was about one of the characters, Palmer, and how once their birthmother saw the baby she changed her mind and could not continue with the adoption plan. You guessed it, I was in tears watching this episode. The conversation between Gibbs and Palmer has stayed with me all week. Jimmy Palmer talks about the experience saying “when our adoption fells through, I lost my kid” “I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve never felt this bad in my life.” All these words rang true for me. Although I never felt this baby kick and I did not carry him for 9 months, he was going to be my son. Then suddenly in a moment, that was all taken away from me. Palmer goes on to talk about how he isn’t a father and maybe he never will be. All these words resonated within me. This is exactly how I have been feeling; what if I never get to be a mother, what if this dream that I have had all my life is not a part of God’s plan for me. How do I deal with this? Then the ever-wise, always there at the right time, Gibbs, had the perfect words for Palmer “well then fight for it Palmer, that’s what you do you fight for your family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one.” After the birthmother called us initially and told us that her mom would be raising the child, our first step was to contact our adoption agency and share the unfortunate news with them. They asked if we wanted to take a break for a while or if we wanted to continue to have our profile given to potential birthmothers. Without hesitation, our answer was to continue. The past two years, and especially the past six months, have been filled with an incredible amount of hope followed by indescribable pain. But, we cannot stop. Our dream and desire are to be parents, and we will continue to fight to bring our baby home.  

     Going back to my Holy week experience. This week I found myself thinking about Jesus’ mother, Mary. Here I am grieving a baby that I never got to lay my eyes on or hold in my arms, at the same time Mary is watching her only son go through horrific suffering and torture. I knew that although our stories are not the same, that the Blessed mother was with me, crying with me, sharing my tears, knowing firsthand the pain of losing a son. Holy week was just what I needed to remind myself that the story did not end there. Jesus did not just die in the cross in vain. If he had, this pain would never go away, and I would have no hope for the future. I have never experienced the resurrection like I did this year. I am grateful that the story did not end when Jesus’ body was laid in the tomb. Rather, he ascended into heaven for all eternity, for all of us. My focus now is on the fact that we are an Easter people and Alleluia is our song. I have hope in the future, hope that Christ has gone before me and is preparing the baby that is intended to be a part of our family. This hope that I cling to is not just a wish, rather I have seen it defined as biblical hope. My hope is a confident expectation and desire for something good in the future, something that will come from God alone. Saint Padre Pio said “Pray, hope and don’t worry,” I am trying my best to heed his advice.

     So now what. The time has come to update our home study again, a tedious, costly process. We also will have to decide by the end of May, what happens next regarding our relationship with our adoption agency. Our hope is that we will get the call today that our baby is waiting for us. However, if that is not to be, we will have to make the decision on whether to extend our contract with our current agency. Everyone has asked what they can do to help. Well there are a few things you can do:

1. Pray for us. Pray for our peace, perseverance and trust. Also pray for all the mothers who find themselves in difficult situations, that they will have support to make the decision that is best for their child.
2. If you know of a woman considering adoption, given her our information. Feel free to share us with anyone you might know. The more people praying for us and sharing our desire to be parents, the better!
3. We are extremely grateful to those of you who have financially supported us so far, we could not have gotten to this point without all of you.  This process is long and tedious! If you feel called, please consider donating to our adoption process fund. We can be found at youcaring.com under www.youcaring.com/steve-annie-grass-500317.
4. Finally, we are going to have a Bake Sale Fundraiser in conjunction with our neighborhood garage sales. This is going to be held Saturday, April 28. We would love donations for the bake sale. If you have time to whip up a batch of cookies, brownies, or your favorite treat, we will gladly put them out in our bake sale. We need all goodies by Friday evening, April 27.

Thank you for all your prayers, kind words, hugs and support over the past month. We know that the love of our family and friends is helping us to continue to have hope.

A roller coaster of emotions

Today can only be described as a punch to the gut that we saw coming, yet still knocked the wind out of us! Let me back up, in early February, after months of a roller coaster of emotions, we were matched with a birthmom in Ohio. Things started well and the relationship grew. Mid-February we made the trip out to Ohio to meet this brithmom in person. This meeting was the most awkward meeting of our life. What do you say to someone who is considering placing their child in your arms. Somehow, we made it through the weekend and things seemed to go well.  We continued to talk with the birthmom and even started to line up lawyers for the adoption. It seemed like this might finally be the right connection.  As time went on we could see a few posts from this birthmom that indicated she may be having second thoughts as the due date drew near. We were honest with the birthmom, telling her it seemed to us that she was unsure about her decision. She shared with us that she was unsure at that point. Our roller coaster of emotions continued. During this time we continued to be there for and share ourselves with this birthmom. Just when we were beginning to give up hope, she sent us a message saying "I made my decision" and "congratulations you guys." We were over the moon, the birthmom had taken the step to set up an appointment with the lawyer to get the paperwork started. Around the same time we learned that she was going to be induced a week early, March 19.  The week leading up to induction day flew by in a hurry. On Saturday, we hit the road for Ohio hopeful that in a week to a month we would return home with our son. Sunday afternoon as we were pulling into Ohio, the birthmother called us and asked if we would like to meet her for dinner. Of course, we were happy to meet her anywhere she wished. Dinner that Sunday went as well as we could have asked for. The birthmom was sharing with us that if this child was anything like her, we were going to have our hands full.  As dinner came to an end we made plans to meet her at the hospital on Monday for the induction.  Then came the phone call at noon on Monday. The birthmom called and told us that a "situation" had come up, she then shared that her mom was going to keep the baby and therefore the adoption was off.  Insert the punch to the gut. For the past few weeks we knew that the birthmom was waffling in her decision, and we knew going into this that nothing was certain, yet hearing officially that the adoption was off at the last minute took our breath away. 

In the middle of these emotions, on March 10, we hit our two year mark with our adoption agency. Our original contract we signed was for two years with the agency, so now what? Luckily our agency extended our contract through the end of May to match the date our homestudy is good through. But, this still leaved the date of May 31 lingering in the back our of mind. We do not know what will happen then, but know that whatever it is, we will get through it together. 

Now we have the task of going back to real life, without a baby to bring home. We do continue to have hope that our birthmom and child are out there, we just wish that we knew when they would come into our lives. For now, we are taking our time heading home, taking a few days for the two of us. Please understand if we do not get back to all of your messages. We know that you are sharing in our grief and wanting to love us, and we appreciate it. At this time we have to figure out how to grieve and still continue to move forward. When we updated our adoption agency, they asked if we would like to take a break before being shown to potential brithmoms.  Our answer was no, we want to continue to put ourselves out there, even knowing that this will require us to be vulnerable with our hearts again. Please continue to pray for us and for all of the moms out there that are contemplating placing their child for adoption. 

Love, 
Steve and Annie 

Its been a while....

Apparently its been a while since our last update. Last May we were hitting the one year mark of our profile being given to potential birth-moms. Over the summer things just progressed without any big news. Our profile was still being requested and sent out monthly, but nothing seemed to be coming our way.  Late in the summer a few friends came to us with potential adoption situations through their acquaintances. Although none of these situations worked out, we are grateful to our friends and family who thought of us and gave our information to these women considering adoption. Last fall, we began to have some interest in getting to know us more. We were given contact information for a few birth moms.  Once the agency passed their information onto us, it was in our court to reach out to these moms, introduce ourselves and see if we could get to know them more.  The first birth-mom e-mailed back and forth with us for a few days and then all communication from her ceased. The second birth-mom never replied to our first attempt at communication. The third birth-mom we contacted through the agency seemed to hold some promise. We talked to her on the phone once and even set up a time to meet her in person. Unfortunately when we arrived at the destination to meet her she did not show up and we have not heard from her since.  At this point, shortly before Christmas, our hearts were broken. We were feeling pretty defeated, why was it that all of these women were interested in our profile but then would disappear into thin air on us. 

A good friend of ours asked us how we guard our hearts during this process.  This questions has created a lot of discussion in our home. We were struggling with this exact situation. As we are introduced to these women, we are also exposed to their stories of how and what lead them to looking for an adoptive family for their child. Some of these stories were tough to hear. We both found ourselves taking on the pain and emotional suffering of these women, with little we could do to help except offer to listen. This vulnerability left us exposed and heartbroken with each of these potential adoption situations that were not meant to be. Our focus now is to remain hopeful and cautiously optimistic with any situations that are presented to us. 

Coming up on our two year mark with the agency, we both never thought it would take this long.  We continue to pray for the birth mom and child that will one day be a blessing in our home.  We have hope that our time is coming soon. Although the agency fee has been paid, we are still expecting significant expenses for lawyer and finalization fees when our time comes. If through your prayers, you feel called to assist us financially, we would be forever grateful.  We have a compassionate crowdfunding site set up at youcaring.com under Grass Family Adoption or feel free to contact us directly.  

Love, 
Steve & Annie