Needless
to say, this past month has been one of the most difficult we have ever
experienced. The last month has left us shaken and unsure of what we are
supposed to do now. It was a humbling experience to suffer through the loss of
our adoption, the loss of the baby that already felt like ours, at the same
time that we walked through Holy week and the suffering of Christ. I cannot
begin to imagine the emotions that Christ experienced as he walked through the
Passion and carried his cross to Calvary. However, this past week I experienced
grief, loss, pain, emptiness, loneliness and feeling abandoned. I can only
imagine these were a mere fraction of the emotions that Christ experienced
while being nailed to the cross.
As you know from
previous posts, it was the baby’s grandmother who informed our birthmom that
she would be raising the baby and that the adoption would not happen. What we
have not shared is that the emotional rollercoaster did not end there. In the
days following the birth of the baby boy that we thought would be ours, the
birthmom continued to contact us. She continued to share her desire to have us
bring this baby into our home. This time was scary, nerve wrecking, yet left a
small glimmer of hope. There are no words to describe how it feels to have your
heart ripped out, yet to still need to remain connected to the situation that
cause you so much heartache. We continued to talk with the birthmother for the
next two weeks. Because of low birth weight for the baby and some medical
complications for the birthmother, they both remained in the hospital for 11
days. When they were both finally released from the hospital, on Good Friday,
the birthmother contacted us to say that she had contacted the lawyer and would
be meeting with someone the following day to begin the adoption process. This was the last time we heard from her. We
are guessing that once she got home and settled in, adoption became a difficult
decision. Our hope is that both she and the beautiful baby boy are healthy,
happy and will have a wonderful life together.
It is amazing when
you are suffering with something, you become hyperaware of everything related
to your suffering. In the past week, I have sat down to try to clear my mind
and watch a tv show only to have the show be focused on adoption, either a
birthmother talking about choosing a family, or adoptive parents experiencing a
failed adoption. NCIS is absolutely one of my favorite shows. This past week I
sat down to watch an episode, and you guessed it, it was about one of the
characters, Palmer, and how once their birthmother saw the baby she changed her
mind and could not continue with the adoption plan. You guessed it, I was in
tears watching this episode. The conversation between Gibbs and Palmer has
stayed with me all week. Jimmy Palmer talks about the experience saying “when
our adoption fells through, I lost my kid” “I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve
never felt this bad in my life.” All these words rang true for me. Although I
never felt this baby kick and I did not carry him for 9 months, he was going to
be my son. Then suddenly in a moment, that was all taken away from me. Palmer
goes on to talk about how he isn’t a father and maybe he never will be. All
these words resonated within me. This is exactly how I have been feeling; what
if I never get to be a mother, what if this dream that I have had all my life
is not a part of God’s plan for me. How do I deal with this? Then the
ever-wise, always there at the right time, Gibbs, had the perfect words for
Palmer “well then fight for it Palmer, that’s what you do you fight for your
family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one.” After the
birthmother called us initially and told us that her mom would be raising the
child, our first step was to contact our adoption agency and share the
unfortunate news with them. They asked if we wanted to take a break for a while
or if we wanted to continue to have our profile given to potential
birthmothers. Without hesitation, our answer was to continue. The past two
years, and especially the past six months, have been filled with an incredible
amount of hope followed by indescribable pain. But, we cannot stop. Our dream
and desire are to be parents, and we will continue to fight to bring our baby
home.
Going back to my Holy week experience. This
week I found myself thinking about Jesus’ mother, Mary. Here I am grieving a
baby that I never got to lay my eyes on or hold in my arms, at the same time
Mary is watching her only son go through horrific suffering and torture. I knew
that although our stories are not the same, that the Blessed mother was with
me, crying with me, sharing my tears, knowing firsthand the pain of losing a
son. Holy week was just what I needed to remind myself that the story did not
end there. Jesus did not just die in the cross in vain. If he had, this pain
would never go away, and I would have no hope for the future. I have never
experienced the resurrection like I did this year. I am grateful that the story
did not end when Jesus’ body was laid in the tomb. Rather, he ascended into
heaven for all eternity, for all of us. My focus now is on the fact that we are
an Easter people and Alleluia is our song. I have hope in the future,
hope that Christ has gone before me and is preparing the baby that is intended
to be a part of our family. This hope that I cling to is not just a wish,
rather I have seen it defined as biblical hope. My hope is a confident
expectation and desire for something good in the future, something that will
come from God alone. Saint Padre Pio said “Pray, hope and don’t worry,” I am
trying my best to heed his advice.
So now what. The
time has come to update our home study again, a tedious, costly process. We
also will have to decide by the end of May, what happens next regarding our
relationship with our adoption agency. Our hope is that we will get the call
today that our baby is waiting for us. However, if that is not to be, we will
have to make the decision on whether to extend our contract with our current
agency. Everyone has asked what they can do to help. Well there are a few
things you can do:
- Pray for us. Pray for our peace, perseverance
and trust. Also pray for all the mothers who find themselves in difficult
situations, that they will have support to make the decision that is best for
their child.
- If you know of a woman considering adoption,
given her our information. Feel free to share us with anyone you might know. The
more people praying for us and sharing our desire to be parents, the better!
- We are extremely grateful to those of you who
have financially supported us so far, we could not have gotten to this point
without all of you. This process is long
and tedious! If you feel called, please consider donating to our adoption
process fund. We can be found at youcaring.com under www.youcaring.com/steve-annie-grass-500317.
- Finally, we are going to have a Bake Sale Fundraiser in conjunction
with our neighborhood garage sales. This is going to be held Saturday, April 28. We would love
donations for the bake sale. If you have time to whip up a batch of cookies, brownies,
or your favorite treat, we will gladly put them out in our bake sale. We need
all goodies by Friday evening, April 27.
Thank you for all your prayers, kind words, hugs and support
over the past month. We know that the love of our family and friends is helping
us to continue to have hope.
